>> welcome back. how were the commercials? [laughter] i think that's funny. it's been a great summer for celebrity death pools. i went 16-0. yeah. it's too easy. that's why we at tosh.0 created the first celebrity suicide pool. [laughter] go to our website to give us your picks. a few rules. accidental overdoses do count. [laughter] he took a fistful of pills. he knew how that nap would end. [laughter] but reality stars do not count as celebrities. they don't count, so don't pick 'em. [laughter]

and while i hope no one wins, if anyone knows mishca barton -- could you please remind her that she has nothing to live for because i could really use that $50. [laughter] and if she does kill herself, don't worry. i will use that $50 for a charity. [laughter] thank you so much for watching. make sure you watch next week when i head to adultcon to teach porn stars a thing or two about fetishes. and we also give the backyard wrestler a web redemption. >> my guys! don't worry, wrestling's fake. [laughter] and don't forget to go to our website comedycentral.com/tosh.0 to submit your inappropriate "macho man" randy savage impressions. also, follow me on twitter and check my tour dates so i can offended you in person. last episode i asked you to guess what castro and i were looking at. out of the 1,700 who submitted an answer, over 350 of you guessed i was looking at a penis. [laughter]

not making that number up. you're right. i was looking at a penis. you guys know me so well. no, i was looking at a squeak toy that just so happened to be hanging from a veiny, uncircumcised penis. [laughter] goodnight. see you next week. [applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen brac brac]

>> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. you are too kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast. thank you so much. please -- [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you in here, out there, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. phone lines are open. [ laughter ] nation, we are just days away from super bowl sunday. and i couldn't be more pumped. it's like football christmas, if christmas were more commercialized. [ laughter ] and i love everything about football-- the sweet science, the pick and roll, from downtown, you sunk my battleship! yahtzee! [ laughter ] i'm just dying to see the san francisco-- earthquakes-- face [ laughter ] off against the baltimore, i wanna say, trashcan fires?! [ laughter ] so put on your game face, then

shove nachos into that game face, because this is "the sport report!" [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] nation -- [ laughter ] -- this sunday is all about the big matchup, two titans of the game finally go head to head. i'm talking of course about axe body spray versus the e-trade baby! [ laughter ] because superbowl ads are my favorite part of the game, and this year there's an exciting new development. >> teaser ads that tease you toward the ads in the big game. this is now a brand new phenomenon and it is no joke. think of it as ads for the ads >> stephen: yes, ads for ads. [ laughter ] this is great-- tivo watchers have something to practice fast-forwarding through. [ laughter ]

and me? i love 'em! especially this teaser for the ad for taco bell. ♪ [ laughter ] wow, seeing that old man get hurt really makes me crave some mexican food. [ laughter ] or some taco bell. [ laughter ] you know, even mercedes is getting in on the ad-for-the-ad action. ♪ >> you missed a spot. ♪ >> stephen: oooh, really targets their key demographic: [ laughter ] 14-year-old boys making 500,000 dollars a year. [ laughter ]

must be a lot of them out there. [ laughter ] but sadly the game itself is being marred by accusations about one of the star players. >> baltimore ravens linebacker, ray lewis, is denying a sports illustrated report that claims that he used a banned substance while recovering a torn tricep this season. the article claims lewis was given deer antler spray to speed up his recovery. >> it comes from the velvet of deer antlers. >> deer antler spray? >> stephen: yes, deer antler spray, which of course, was banned after lance armstrong became the first hooved winner of the tour de france. [ laughter ] i did not know this -- evidently, deer antlers contain "a hormone called igf1 that is thought to help muscle recovery." lewis has strongly denied these accusations, and has some choice words about his accuser. >> the guy has no credibility.

he's been sued four times over the same bs. don't let people from the outside ever come and try to disturb what's inside. you know, and that's the trick of the devil. the trick of the devil is to kill, steal and destroy. that's what he comes to do. he comes to distract you for everything you're trying to do. >> stephen: well said. because the best way to prove you're not on drugs is to talk about how the devil is trying to make you do things. [ laughter ] personally, i think all the players should take this stuff. the nfl has a real head-injury problem, and antlers are nature's helmet. [ laughter ] in fact, all football teams should be permitted to take performance enhancing drugs, as long as they're extracted from their team's mascot. let the chicago players inject bear bile. [ laughter ] let cincinnati snort tiger dong,

and the washington -- whoa. [ laughter ] and full disclosure, this issue is personal for me. because i too have been accused by my rivals of abusing deer antler spray. they wonder how i can keep this up, night after night, without -- [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] next up, my job is to look out for the american public. for instance, i always scream "car!" whenever i'm about to hit someone with my car. [ laughter ] and right now, i've got a game day warning for you about gatorade. >> go to your fridge, grab a

bottle a gatorade. look at the ingredients. one no longer is there. that would be flame retardant. yes, flame retardant. >> the substance is called bvo-- brominated vegetable oil. it keeps the ingredients from separating. >> stephen: folks, this is an outrage. they're messing with a classic american recipe. gatorade without bvo is like hotdogs without pig sphincter, [ laughter ] or apple pie without apple sphincter. [ laughter ] oh, it's in there. [ laughter ] thank god gatorade still has the rest of it's essential ingredients: monopotassium phosphate, yellow die number five, and glycerol ester of wood rosin. oh, "ester of wood rosin": my favorite new character on "downton abbey." [ laughter ] anyway, i'm still gonna be serving gatorade at my super bowl party.

and, folks, there is no super bowl party more rockin' than the annual bash at captain colbert's goodtime house of balls-out kickin' it. [ laughter ] the whole wrecking crew is gonna be there: lou dawg, small-face tommy, eddie pants-pleats, and vinnie the dentist. [ laughter ] we call him that because he's a dentist. i do a basement tailgate. let me tell you, after three or four breezies and 20 minutes indoors with my idling chevy tahoe, no one walks out under their own power. you have to love people that applaud brain damage. like nfl fans. [cheers and applause] of course, people come for the signature snacks, like my world-famous eight meat chili. this year i even have a

vegetarian version, with only six meats. [ laughter ] but the party's in danger of missing out on the main meat. >> guess what? shortage of chicken wings. >> your super bowl chicken wings are going to be more expensive this year and harder to get. >> last year's severe drought led to fewer chickens and therefore fewer chicken wings. >> $2.52. that's what a pound of chicken wings will cost you this year - a record for super bowl sunday. >> stephen: $2.52 for a pound of food? where are they raising these chickens? in a place with access to light? [ laughter ] until we get this wing situation under control, i'm calling on science to discover ways to buffalo other normally discarded chicken parts. i'm talking the head-skin, the beak lips, the cankles. [ laughter ] 'cuz, no surprise, with wing

prices flying high and refusing to dip, thieves with sticky fingers are running a-fowl of the law and creating quite a flap-- honey mustard. [ laughter ] jim? >> police have arrested two men that allegedly stole $65,000 worth of chicken wings from the frozen food distribution center. >> police say the men used a forklift to load ten pallets of tyson chicken wings on to a rental truck. >> stephen: that's right, they pulled off a $65,000 wing heist, which i believe is also the plot of "ocean's 19." [ laughter ] now, the thieves were apprehended and charged, but the wings were never found. [ laughter ] where could they be?! [ laughter ] point is, if you are one of the fortunate who managed to get some wings for the super bowl,

for god's sake, be smart and put a padlock on them. oooh-- buffalo padlock. [ laughter ]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey, wait here. i didn't know. welcome back, everybody. nation, i've seen a lot of insane things in my day. after all, i've interviewed james carville. [ laughter ]

of course, every now and then something really wild leaps out at you-- again, james carville. [ laughter ] once he's coiled, he has to strike. [ laughter ] and when something truly unusual comes along, i drop everything to tell america about the craziest (bleep) thing i've ever heard. [ laughter ] folks, humans are far more productive than anything in the animal kingdom. trust me, i spend my entire work-day watching. kittens on youtube. [ laughter ] they get nothing done. no, you don't. you don't get nothing done. you are so sleepy. [ laughter ] [babbling] but new research may force us to eat crow, thanks to an oxford university study of crows using tools. watch this. as this crow who, without any

training, uses a small tool to get at a slightly longer tool, then uses the longer tool to get a treat. this is insane! [ laughter ] a bird showing higher-level thinking! how is that possible? it's been over 40 years and big bird still needs help counting to ten! [ laughter ] this is an amazing feat. it's a little tough to see on that video, so let me show you just how clever that crow was. this is basically the experiment going on. there's food at the end of this tube. there's a peanut m & m down there. represents the treat down there the other tools of various lengths have tools of various lengths in them. in order to get the food, what you do is -- you try to get your finger in there. get that out of there when did my fingers get so fat?

[ laughter ] what if -- [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] wait a second. you gotta use the tools. give me those (bleep) things snsm could you -- forget it. i don't need it. okay. all right. ahhh. mmmmm. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] nation, i've watched sheryl crow from a crow's nest. while drinking old crow to forget about my crow's feet. but a crow using tools? that's the craziest (bleep)

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight says beethoven's fifth symphony is shorthand for all classical music. great, now i don't have to listen to the rest of it. [ laughter ] please welcome matthew guerrieri. [cheers and applause]

am i saying that right? >> guerrieri. >> stephen: great. what does that mean? >> warriors. >> stephen: you are many warrior? >> extremely ill-named is what i am. >> stephen: listen here, tough guy. [ laughter ] you've got a new book called "the first four notes: bay toaf yen's fifth and the human imagination." you are a music critic for "the boston globe", you are responsible for the blog sohothedoing. why this section of this symphony? why the first four notes? >> well, because if you are interested in culture and musical culture this piece is the beginning of the musical culture we know today. >> stephen: don don, don, don

dah. >> it has an opening everybody can remember. >> stephen:. ♪ >> it keeps going. >> stephen: it's kind of repetitive. incredible cell phone jingle writer of all times? [ laughter ] >> that, i don't know. i don't hear it that much. >> stephen: really? >> i wish i heard it more. >> stephen: you have to hang out with classier people. >> i do. >> stephen: is it revolutionary? what is so different about the fact that he keeps driving home this one thing throughout the theme of the entire symphony? >> it was an unusual thing at the time and it was sort of a hook that let a group of thinkers called the german romantics adopt this piece as their musical mascot. they were trying to really rethink the way that people perceived music. they were trying to reorganize the hierarchy of musical life.

beethoven happened to bet best composer around. they wanted to use his music as an example to advance their ind intellectual cause and this piece turned out to fit their agenda perfectly. it's this ability to trace the motive throughout the entire piece actually ties into a lot of it willary ideas they are interested in. they are interested in ideas of achieving some sort of wholeness, achieving organic unit after going through a journey of meeting up with doubles and meeting up with sort of -- sort of these uncanny coincidences. and the person responsible for this was an author named eti hoffman who wrote a long and famous review of the piece. later on he would go on to write fiction that was famous at the time. all of thinks fiction is all about these people who meet other people who think they are long lost twins, or they meet --

in some of the stories the characters meet people who are clockwork rep caz of other people. it's this weird sort of idea that you have to go through this hall of mirrors and at the end of it, you come out realizing that there's this wholeness you don't quite have access to but the romantics believe music gave you a glimpse of that. these are incredibly heady ideas but beethoven was the delivery vehicle for it. >> stephen: now, i did not follow all of that. [ laughter ] so these germans had some big ideas. >> very big. >> stephen: and betoafen's music seemed like a manifestation of these ideas. why these four notes the manifestation of that? you don't need to go through it again. [ laughter ] because i'll be just as lost. >> to be honest, they were, too,

so. >> stephen: to they had a romantic longing for some sort of ideal and they thought that this was the ideal the represent tition of this theme so -- what did i just say mean? >> they were trying to figure out what that sort of thing meant? they were yearning for something really beyond human understanding. >> stephen: i think beyond human understanding, were they popular? was this a hit? >> the first per formance was a disaster but once hoffman's review came out people began to take it seriously and it did become fairly well known. it's really one of first pieces of music where people felt like they had to know it to be culturally literate. >> stephen: did they have goofy? >> the german romantics glommed on to him.

>> stephen: i meant the ladies unless, you know torque each his own. >> you had unfulfill add tachments with purposely unattainable women throughout his life. there was a pair of psychologists who wrote a book that suggested maybe he wasn't that interested in the ladies. >> stephen: isn't fur elise for a lady love? >> nobody is quite sure. >> stephen: it was written for elise. matthew thank you for coming on with me.